Cause for Reflection

Once upon a time, I was in a Primary presidency in which three of the four members were pregnant - due March, April, and May. Needless to say, it made for an interesting few months when the babies started coming. But it was so fun to have all our little ones. Michelle moved away a couple months later, and I had lost track of her until Lindsay called on Friday night. She had just found out that Michelle's baby had passed away.

I couldn't believe it. First, I was scared about losing my own baby and how awful that would be. Then I started to grieve for Michelle. I cried a little that night. (Brett was gone hiking Mt. Timpanogos with the Young Men, so I didn't have anyone to cry with, and that made it harder.) However, when I arrived at the funeral and saw the little toys and baby items they had on display and then looked at the collages they had made with pictures of him as well as his nicknames and first words, I started sobbing and didn't stop much for the rest of the funeral. I prayed to Heavenly Father for Michelle and Jaron to find peace, and I prayed that I would be able to find peace as well. How could they ever be happy again after losing their little boy?

The speakers focused on the Plan of Salvation - that Gavin was with Heavenly Father again and that his parents would get to finish raising him in the Millennium. That helped. My head knew that everything had happened for a reason and that his time on the earth was over because that's all the test he needed. He had proven faithful in the pre-mortal world and only needed to come to earth for that short time. "But, but, but..." my heart kept saying.

I was so happy to get to hug my little girl when I picked her up from my parents' house after the funeral. I just kept praying for Michelle and Jaron while feeling guiltily grateful that it wasn't me that had to face their trial.

As I sang "Wheels on the Bus" with Emmy while we drove home, the cars in front of me stopped fast with a squeal of rubber. I slammed on my brakes as well, hoping the car in back of me was watching. The two cars in front of me had crashed into eachother, and they pulled off to the side of the road. I pulled off into a business driveway to make sure our car had come through unscathed. We were fine. I said a little prayer of gratitude to Heavenly Father that we were safe and asked that He would continue to watch over us.

Suddenly a lightbulb turned on. I had what I used to call a "clickage" moment. Would it be all that bad to have our time on Earth end sooner than later? The whole point of our existence is to live with Heavenly Father again, right? This life is really a small part of the whole plan. Why was I trying to hold on like this life was all that mattered? My mind and heart finally saw Gavin's death and my life from an eternal perspective. I truly understood at that moment that death is not the end. It really is a continuation of our progression to meet our ultimate goal of Celestial glory.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am very happy for my life and the lives of my loved ones to continue on Earth for a LONG time to come. As great as I know Celestial glory will be, I'm really happy to keep living and growing and loving my little family and learning through my experiences how I can be more like my Heavenly Father. (I figure with how much I have to learn, I've got quite a while!) But this experience has helped me to gain a stronger testimony of the Plan of Salvation. It's more than just a neat diagram you can draw and talk about in Seminary. It is our existence, our eternal destiny. How grateful I am for this restored truth and my growing testimony of it!

And please keep Jaron and Michelle in your prayers. They still have a huge empty place in their hearts that will take time to heal.